Tiger & Elin: ‘Love Is a Decision’
“The first thing is that true love is always about the good of your spouse, not yourself. So when you hurt your spouse because of your own selfishness you’re really betraying your vows in a very fundamental way. But then comes the decision on the part of the spouse to be able to forgive you, if you genuinely ask for forgiveness.” Fr. Joe Voor
Further news of Tiger’s accident has revealed to the public a marriage in crisis. Most of us living outside of public scrutiny may know of or may be experiencing a marriage in crisis. Listen to the wisdom of Fr. Joe Voor, a longtime priest for the Archdiocese of Louisville and for Marriage Encounter, and the next time you’re tempted to one-up someone with an even more tantalizing Tiger joke, think of the struggling husband and wife–mother and father of two young kids–and say a prayer that they can make the decision to love.
The first thing is that true love is always about the good of your spouse, not yourself. So when you hurt your spouse because of your own selfishness you’re really betraying your vows in a very fundamental way.
But then comes the decision on the part of the spouse to be able to forgive you, if you genuinely ask for forgiveness. But it has to be genuine with a complete reversal and a complete commitment of self. And then the husband (in this case) has to be very patient with his wife and she has to be very patient with him, not to bring up old hurts.
Couples really need to learn how to share their feelings with each other, explaining where they are every day so they can build trust again in their spouse.
To do this without the example of the love of Jesus Christ for us is next to impossible. But with faith and prayers, everything is possible. And if the pain is worked through than the marriage can be even stronger and will last forever. There has to be hope for it.
Husbands [and wives, for that matter! My personal note.] have to learn to be happy doing ‘nothing’ with their families and just enjoy being with each other. But our society keeps making us always look for excitement that can lead us astray. Solid family life is often not too exciting most of the time. But genuine love is engendered in doing all the small things together. It takes doing a lot of little things together to grow together.
I usually say the best thing in the world for a marriage is a Marriage Encounter Weekend because couples often haven’t learned how to share feelings. [Please note: Retrouvaille, which is rooted in Marriage Encounter, may also be a first step for couples in crisis facing infidelity or other serious matters. Divorced couples hoping to amend their relationship are also encouraged to participate in the Retrouvaille program. Often couples in crisis will experience a Retrouvaille Weekend and then go on a Marriage Encounter Weekend. Check out both through the links below.]
In addition to a Marriage Encounter Weekend, they should see a Christian counselor. One or the other of them is nearly often bound to slip a little and if the couple is not dialoguing about that, the couple can bring back all the old hurts and everything can fall a part. They need someone on the outside of their marriage to help them continue to believe in each other when one of the spouses questions the other. Counseling is important; and they must know how to dialogue about feelings. [Let me add from personal experience that the Marriage Encounter Weekend is the launching point for learning how to dialogue effectively. Further involvement in enrichment opportunities within Marriage Encounter and elsewhere will continue to allow couples to understand the value of and way to dialogue.]
Be sure to find a Christian counselor who believes in marriage to one person. If the counselor does not believe in marriage, you’re dead. Good counselors can help couples through difficulties instead of running from them.
When I was involved in Marriage Encounter many years ago, as I am now, I worked with a young priest. He thought that loving each other unconditionally was impossible. He later left the priesthood. Many do not believe. But Christ shows us how, as his words and actions say to us today, ‘Nothing you do can make God stop loving you.’ God loves us unconditionally, and so must spouses. When couples exchange vows on their wedding day they pledge to love their spouse–good, bad, indifferent. They might not like him or her at times but are called to love. And all of us are going to forget our vows when we hurt. But our vows, and Christ, remind us to love each other despite hurts.
If you read between the lines in the case of Tiger and his wife, Elin, there has been some unfaithfulness, which triggers most breakdowns. I hope Tiger has decided to give up his behavior, that it’s gone forever, and that he’s not going to turn back because he wants to be with his wonderful wife and to give his children a secure home life just like his father and mother gave him security for a lifetime. Without both parents, kids learn never to trust anybody. And sadly, what are children saying if they can’t trust their mom or dad for that security? “I can’t trust God either.”
–Father Joe Voor
Here are the links to the Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille sites:
http://www.wwme.org/
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
–Radar Mom
Remember to brush your teeth, say your prayers and “be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle.” (Philo of Alexandria)
December 7, 2009
I have forever referred to the marriage “trinity” (husband, wife, God) as a three-legged stool; with only two legs the marriage is destined to fail. But I like the analogy of the three-legged race better! It connotes the inter-connectedness of the three elements drawing on each other’s strengths AND at the same time implies a level of difficulty inherent in all marriages…the race/journey to “till death do us part” isn’t always easy nor stagnant (as in the stool)… it is dynamic and ever-changing! I thank you, Suzanne, for helping me to see this new reality!
December 7, 2009
Thank you for your comments and on-target insights, Karen, and for bringing up the important point about addressing behavioral difficulties. Our journey–whether married or single–is all about becoming the best version of ourselves and we need outside intervention at times, as well as divine assistance. Marriage is the three-legged race to heaven! Each spouse needs the other. Point taken with the generalization. It would be helpful to define “unfaithfulness.” I don’t hear confessions or counsel couples, as I know Fr. Joe does, but will check with him about his statement. Thank you, again, for your comments.
December 6, 2009
I enjoyed reading your insights into Tiger and Elin’s relationship and totally agree that Love is a decision!
It is, indeed, vital that spouses share feelings daily, especially the difficult ones. In times of crisis it is only through open, honest and respectful communication of feelings that one can begin to understand how deeply their spouse cares about the issues that plague their relationship.
And it is equally vital that people understand that Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille helps couples learn a tried-and-true method of communicating with each other, again, in an open, honest and respectful way.
Couples/spouses in crisis can then make greater strides with a counselor about their BEHAVIORAL difficulties because they can eliminate unnecessary arguing, bickering,and blaming along with time-wasting “finger pointing” and “garbage dumping.”
To say that “unfaithfulness…triggers most breakdowns” seems to me to be a grave generalization in that not all marriages in crisis experience unfaithful behavior (although “some” — maybe even “many” — do); rather, I tend to believe that it is the breakdown of respect for one’s spouse early in the marriage that leads to marital discord.